i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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