Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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