The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
