Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
