sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
