I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
