I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
