Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.