why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize