if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol