You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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