Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
