I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
