lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
