I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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