So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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