it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You dont lie about slip and slides
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
