...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
