we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
