I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
