Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you didnt know i had herpes?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
where are you?
Hypothermia
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
