I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
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He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
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this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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