it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
