I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
