White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
