I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
