I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
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Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
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He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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