so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Pooping to opera.
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