I CAN MOONWALK!
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
