Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
