i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
