so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
