Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
