there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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