so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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