I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
