omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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