I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
