Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
