just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
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worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
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And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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