i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Mom said you looked used
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You need Xanax blowdarts
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
