i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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