A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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