i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
