dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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