Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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