Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
