I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
