I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
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He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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