So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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