my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
