I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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