my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
