Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
we should paint friendship bongs
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