You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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