M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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