If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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