The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
