how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
