i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
