The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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