Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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